To Be Loved is To Be Destroyed
by highwarlockofbrooklyn
Summary: Jace and Clary's first fight in City of Glass from Jace's POV. The fight with Alec is included as well...bits and fluff and what goes on in Jace's beautiful little head.


**One shot; the part of _City of Glass_ where Jace and Clary fight from Jace's POV. It's a little long, but I didn't think breaking it up would be a good idea, so...here it is.**

**DISCLAIMER: Jace and all of the other characters do not belong to me-that privilege goes to Cassandra Clare. And if he did belong to me, I'm not sure I'd be sharing :)**

Jace wished he could forget Clary. He wanted to be able to look at her with nothing more than the brotherly affection he _should_ feel. Instead, here he was feeling sorry for himself because he was in love with an amazing girl that just so happened to be related to him. His own sister. There was something wrong with him, something seriously wrong. Clary was the last thing he thought about when he closed his eyes and the first thing he thought about when he opened them. She tormented him in his dreams, too, always out of reach or hiding.

_Get out of my head_, Jace thought angrily as he stalked through the Penhallows' house to the upstairs hallway. If wishful thinking wasn't enough (and clearly it wasn't) Jace thought that maybe he could _force_ himself to move on by being physically involved with someone else. And since Izzy was like a sister to him and was still hung up on the bloodsucker, that left-

"Aline. Can we talk?" Jace used his most charming voice, and put a slight emphasis on the word talk. Pleasant and somewhat seductive. He looked up at her through his lashes. Girls always loved that one. They had a thing about eyelashes. He could tell that Aline caught his inflection on the word "talk" by the way her eyes lit up. Jace gave a silent, internal sigh. He almost felt bad for Aline, because he knew she genuinely cared for him. Or at least she thought she did.

Jace almost felt himself slipping back into the old pattern, the one from the Before Clary Era. The one where he just wanted a girl, and then wanted nothing to do with her. He led Aline to the library, a walk he had taken seemingly a thousand times with seemingly as many girls. _Although,_ he noted drily, _the library is a new one._

At the end of the hallway he found Max reading a graphic novel. Jace felt bad, seeing the hurt in his brother's eyes as he turned down Max's tempting request to play. What Jace needed and what Jace wanted were two different things. He _needed_ to be distracted from Clary. He _wanted_ to accept things as they were and spend time with Max. Clary couldn't accept it, and so Jace was feeling hurt and angry towards Clary, and therefore everyone around Jace also needed to be swept into his emotional typhoon. It didn't matter if Jace didn't _want_ to hurt anyone, he just _did_, he always had, and then worried about apologizing later. The people he cared about always seemed to get hurt. _To love is to destroy_, Jace thought as he shut the door slowly. Aline crossed the room and sat on an overstuffed leather chair Indian style. _Perfect posture_, Jace noticed. He padded silently across the floor and stood over her for a moment before kneeling over her on the chair. He brought his face down to hers, and she suddenly grabbed it, kissing him forcefully. Jace didn't do many things in a weak manner, and kissing was no exception. But Aline seemed to need the dominance that usually belonged to him. It must be Shadowhunter girls. _Izzy is like this too,_ Jace thought. He thought back rather guiltily to the one time he and Isabelle had tried kissing. It had been weird, and a secret ever since.

"This will be much easier if you stand up with me," Aline whispered against his cheek. She tangled her hands in his hair and uncrossed her legs. Jace placed his hands on her back, pulling her up, thinking the whole time that Clary never gave him instructions. He flinched, and then compensated for the momentary vulnerability by kissing Clary back harder. _No,_ he reprimanded himself. _Aline. Aline, not Clary. Clary is nothing to you._ Try as he might, Jace couldn't get rid of the little nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him that he was wrong for being with Aline like this. However, he could ignore it, which he often did. _No time for an exception now,_ he thought as Aline reached for the buttons on her own shirt. Her bra, by Jace's usual definition, was sexy. Black and lacy. Jace couldn't help thinking of that night in the greenhouse he'd spent with Clary. Her sixteenth birthday. Clary in her pajamas was probably the sexiest, most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. She wore her beauty unconsciously, unlike Aline or Isabelle, who both wielded their beauty like it was a sword.

Aline was getting to the third or fourth button when the door suddenly banged open. Just as quickly it shut. Jace's first thought was that Max had come back, despite Jace's insistence that he have "grown-up time." When he looked, though, he found that he actually wished it were Max. That, at least, would have been less crazy than what he saw. What he saw was Clary, looking as though she was about to simultaneously sob and vomit.

"Excuse me," demanded Aline from somewhere behind Jace, "Who are you?" Aline did not sound happy. Clary was too busy staring at Jace to answer. Jace, on the other hand, felt as though all of the blood had been drained from his body. His legs even felt weak.

"Aline," he said in a flat voice, "This is my sister, Clary."

"Oh. _Oh,_" Aline said, having the grace to sound embarrassed but smiling nervously at the same time. Jace wanted to punch her. "Sorry! What a way to meet you. Hi, I'm Aline." Jace wanted to push her out of the room as she moved towards Clary with her hand outstretched. Clary looked panicked at the idea of shaking the other girl's hand. Unhappily, Jace took Aline by the shoulders.

"She's not supposed to be here. Do you mind giving us a moment?" he whispered in her ear. Aline looked surprised, but then nodded and left the room.

Jace could feel that his face was still arranged in a mask of horror, but did nothing to fix it.

"Jace," Clary said softly, stepping towards him. He instinctively backed away, panic and anger and shock all over his face.

"What in the name of the Angel, Clary, are you doing here?" The words came out angrily and harshly from Jace's mouth.

"You could at least pretend you were glad to see me. Even a little bit." Jace almost laughed. How on Earth could he be happy to see her when he went through such lengths to protect her? She had no idea, she didn't understand.

"I'm not glad to see you. Not even a little bit." He put every bit of meanness he could muster into the words and threw them at her bitterly. Maybe, just maybe, if he could convince her that she wasn't welcome, she would go home where she belonged. Where she was safe. If anything happened to her, Jace thought he might die.

"This isn't you. I hate it when you act like this-"

"Oh, you hate it, do you?" He spat, cutting her off midsentence. "Well, I'd better stop doing it then, hadn't I? I mean, _you_ do everything _I _ask you to do."

"You had no right to do what you did!" she snapped. "Lying to me like that. You had no right-"

"I had every right!" he shouted, interrupting her again. The tone of his own voice shocked him. He'd never, ever yelled at her before. But it was so important that she go back to New York, he continued. "I had every right, you stupid, stupid girl. I'm your brother and I-"

"And you what? You own me? You don't own me, whether you're my brother or not!" Clary was yelling back now, positively furious.

The door flew open again, this time revealing Alec standing there in a dark blue coat. His usually serene face had given way to incredulity. "What in all possible dimensions is going on here? Are you two trying to kill each other?" He was staring in amazement at the pair of them.

"Not at all," Jace said, wiping the emotion from his face. "Clary was just leaving."

"Good, because I need to talk to you, Jace."

"Doesn't anyone in this house ever say, 'Hi, nice to see you' anymore?" Clary asked, still angry.

"It is good to see you, Clary," said Alec. Jace wanted to hit him, too. It was _not_ good to see Clary. "Except of course for the fact that you're really not supposed to be here. Isabelle told me you got here on your own somehow, and I'm impressed-" The urge to hit Alec would not be an urge much longer if he kept it up, Jace thought.

"Could you not encourage her?"

"But I really, really need to talk to Jace about something. Can you give us a few minutes?"

"I need to talk to him too," Clary piped in, "About our mother-"

"I don't feel like talking to either of you, as a matter of fact," Jace stated coldly.

"Yes, you do. You really want to talk to me about this." Jace knew Alec was trying to bait him, but Jace wouldn't have it.

"I doubt that." Suddenly a realization hit Jace. "You didn't come here alone, did you? Who came with you?" The situation was worse than he had thought.

"Luke," Clary stated simply. "Luke came with me."

"But Luke is a Downworlder. Do you know what the Clave does to unregistered Downworlders who come into the Glass City-who cross the wards without permission? Coming to Idris is one thing, but entering Alicante? Without telling anyone?" Jace could feel panic setting in, and it was all he could do to keep calm.

"No, but I know what you're going to say-" Clary was half-whispering.

"That if you and Luke don't go back to New York immediately you'll find out?" Stupid, stupid girl. She hadn't even realized what she'd done, and Jace was furious. He fell silent, pleading with his eyes for her to, for once, just this one time, follow his instructions and go back home.

"Jace. Haven't you wondered where I've been all day?" Alec sounded oddly flustered.

"That's a new coat you're wearing. I figure you went shopping. Though why you're so eager to bother me about it, I have no idea." Jace allowed acid to creep into his voice. Hurting someone he cared for. Again.

"I didn't go shopping. I went-" Jace was satisfied with Alec's angry reply. The door slammed open again, this time revealing Isabelle standing there in a white dress. She looked younger than normal with her hair pinned up.

"I told you he'd freak out. Didn't I?" Isabelle demanded, looking at Clary.

"Ah, the 'I told you so,'" Jace said, letting the acid creep into his voice again. "Always a classy move."

Clary's big green eyes rounded in horror. "How can you joke? You just threatened Luke. Luke, who likes you and trusts you. Because he's a _Downworlder._ What's wrong with you?" Clary sounded angrier than Jace had ever heard her sound, and rightfully so, he thought. If she could only understand why he was doing this to her it would be worth it.

"Luke's here? Oh, Clary-" Isabelle joined the conversation again, a look of dread written all over her face.

"He's not _here._ He left-this morning-and I don't know where he went. But I can certainly see now why he had to go." Clary refused to meet Jace's gaze, only glancing up for a moment. "Fine. You win. We should never have come. I should never have made that Portal-"

The words shocked Jace. Surely he was losing it? Clary could not have _made_ a Portal. Isabelle seemed to be reading Jace's thoughts.

"_Made_ a Portal? Clary, only a warlock can make a Portal. And there aren't very many of them. The only portal here in Idris is in the Gard."

"Which is what I had to talk to you about," Alec hissed. Jace jumped a little; he had forgotten that Alec was even in the room. "About the errand I went on last night-the thing I had to deliver to the Gard-" Jace felt his mental state slip wildly out of control. He couldn't bear the conversation any longer, any of it.

"Alec, stop. _Stop,_" he pleaded. Jace hated himself for letting such desperation into his voice, but he thought his head might explode if there wasn't silence. Alec stood there, surprised, biting his lip, but Jace could only see Clary. He _had_ to make her understand. She couldn't stay here. The words that came out of his mouth next were the most painful things he had ever said-they hurt to say and they were meant to hurt. "You're right. You should never have come. I know I told you it's because it isn't safe for you here, but that wasn't true. The truth is that I don't want you here because you're rash and thoughtless and you'll mess everything up. It's just how you are. You're not careful, Clary." Jace kept his face blank. Clary could never know how much those words cost him.

"Mess...everything…up?" Clary's voice was a whisper. She sounded like she had had the wind knocked out of her.

"Oh, _Jace,_" said Isabelle sympathetically. He hated the way she looked at him. As if she even had the slightest idea how he felt right now. But he had to keep it up, keep going. Clary would never be discouraged so easily that she would just give up instantly. It was one of the things he most admired about her. Integrity like that was a Shadowhunter trait.

"You always just race ahead without thinking. You know that, Clary. We'd never have ended up in the Dumort if it wasn't for you."

"And Simon would be _dead!_ Doesn't that count for anything? Maybe it was rash, but-"

Jace had to admire her loyalty, but it didn't mean he wasn't furious that she was here. Furious and frustrated and scared and still more in love with her than ever. "_Maybe_?" he heard his voice shoot through an octave.

"But it's not like every decision I've made was a bad one! You said, after what I did on the boat, you _said_ I'd saved everyone's life-" The desperation in her voice made him want to comfort her more than anything, but he couldn't. It was one of the most frustrating things he had ever felt. Clary's resolve was breaking, and Jace could feel it. He paled, knowing what he was about to do might actually break Clary's heart. Or at least it would break his.

Jace gathered all the energy he could muster. "Shut up, Clary, SHUT UP-" It sounded harsh and unforgiving, even to Jace's ears.

"On the boat?" Alec looked at both of them in bewilderment. "What about what happened on the boat? Jace-"

"I just told you that to keep you from whining!" Jace shouted, ignoring Alec. He was fired up now; the words were coming out in an angry flow. "You're a disaster for us, Clary! You're a mundane, you'll always be one, you'll never be a Shadowhunter. You don't know how to think like we do, think about what's best for everyone-all you ever think about is yourself! But there's a war on now, or there will be, and I don't have the time or the inclination to follow around after you , trying to make sure you don't get one of us killed!" Jace could hardly believe that all of that had come out of his mouth, and he almost regretted it as he watched Clary's face fall. He had been convincing, and he knew it. Because a tiny bit of it had been the truth. Under normal circumstances, he never would have dreamed of admitting all of this to her, even if she'd asked. _Desperate times call for desperate measures,_ Jace thought. _But if she goes home, it will be worth it. It's in her best interest. _The fact that Jace had to keep telling himself this made him think that he was wrong, but he pushed it to the back of his already overcrowded mind.

"Go home, Clary," Jace told her, unable to keep up the angry façade any longer. He felt drained and ill. "Go home." She probably should have felt angry or embarrassed or something along those lines, but Clary's face betrayed no emotion. This upset Jace more than her fighting back would have. Clary's face was dead, all of the fight gone out of it.

She turned, and walked out but paused at the door. "When you told me the first time that Valentine was your father, I didn't believe it," she said. "Not just because I didn't want it to be true, but because you weren't anything like him. I've never thought you were anything like him. But you are. You _are."_ And with a sharp spin on her heel, Clary turned and ran through the door, shutting it behind her. This hurt Jace more than anything else. He knew she meant it, she wasn't just playing a game like he was. She definitely wasn't trying to protect him from anything.

As soon as she was gone, Jace leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. His legs didn't want to support him anymore. The blank mask on his face broke and he felt the conflicting emotions he had been trying to suppress bubble up. He felt relieved, mostly.

"Jace, do you really think-" began Alec, always the voice of reason. The voice of reason was pretty much the last thing Jace wanted to hear. That, or Clary's parting words…_I've never thought you were anything like him. But you are._

"Get out. Just get out, both of you."

"So you can do what?" Isabelle demanded angrily. "Wreck your life some more? What the hell was that _about?_"

"I sent her home. It was the best thing for her," Jace informed her. Alec and Isabelle didn't understand how important it was to protect Clary.

"You did a hell of a lot more than send her home. You _destroyed_ her. Did you see her face?" Of course he had seen her face. _To love is to destroy. _It was how he knew when to stop. He could have obliterated her, kept going. As long as she left and went back to New York. Whatever it took.

"It was worth it," he told Isabelle. "You wouldn't understand."

"For her, maybe. I hope it winds up worth it for you." Isabelle was starting to get on his nerves. She was making him second guess himself, something which Jace did not enjoy doing. He turned his face away. "Just…leave me alone, Isabelle. Please." Isabelle looked strangely at him. He rarely used the word please.

"Never mind, Jace. I'm sure she'll be fine," said Alec in the kindest voice Jace had ever heard him use. Alec could sound really nice without sounding condescending, something which Jace hadn't really mastered. He looked at Alec as though he were seeing through his brother.

"No, she won't. But I knew that. Speaking of which, you might as well tell me what you came in here to tell me. You seemed to think it was pretty important at the time."

"I didn't want to tell you in front of Clary-"

"Didn't want to tell me _what_ in front of Clary?" Jace focused on Alec, feeling vulnerable. If it couldn't be said in Clary's presence...Jace felt upset again and heard Alec's next few words with a droning buzz in his ears.

"…no Portal activity in New York since Clary…" Just when he hadn't thought things could get any worse. Now Simon was missing. So if Clary went home, now her best friend was missing as well. If Simon died (again) Jace might as well just kill himself now. It was, technically his fault that Simon was in such a predicament. Jace tuned out of the conversation, picking unhappily at a thread sticking out from a hole in his gray thermal shirt. The material hung loosely on his wrists. God. He was losing weight, there were massive circles under his eyes, and he had even resumed an old bad habit and was biting his nails.

"…Valentine's son…" were the next words that Jace caught. He clenched his hands into tight fists. "If it hadn't been me who brought him through," he said, "maybe they would have let him go home. Maybe they would have believed-"

"No. no, Jace, it's not your fault. You saved his life," argued Alec.

"Saved him so the Clave could torture him. Some favor. When Clary finds out…" he shook his head, not even wanting to contemplate her reaction. "She'll think I brought him here on purpose, gave him to the Clave _knowing_ what they'd do." This thought was unbearable to Jace. He didn't really know or care what came out of his mouth at that point.

He stood, walking over to the window and not waiting to figure out what no one who knew him would think about him bringing Simon to Idris on purpose. He looked through the window, watching the canal. Suddenly, all of his pent-up frustration exploded and he struck out at the window, breaking the glass and sending sharp, searing pains through his hand. Isabelle looked from Jace to the window to the blood that was dripping from his hand to the carpet.

"Oh, Jace, how on earth are we going to explain this to the Penhallows?" her voice was as soft as both Alec and Jace had ever heard it. She sighed almost inaudibly and left the room.

Back in the attic room that Alec and Jace shared, Alec forced Jace onto a chair. Jace did as he was told while Alec got bandages. Their room was small, with two beds, a row of pegs for hanging clothes, and a chair in one corner. Alec returned with a medical kit, which surprised Jace.

"Aren't you going to use a healing rune?"

"No. You can just-" Jace never found out what he could just do, (although he guessed it was something anatomically impossible and very inappropriate) because Alec broke off and flung the box back on the bed before washing his hands quite forcefully. His hand was starting to burn now. Alec was angry; Jace could tell by the way that he flung himself into a chair opposite Jace.

"Give me your hand."

Jace's hand looked a lot worse than it had before. All of his knuckles were split open and blood covered his hand. Alec snorted.

"You're an idiot."

"Thanks," said Jace, making a face. "So why not?"

"Why not what?" Alec was bent over his hand with a pair of tweezers, trying to pull out the little bits of glass embedded in Jace's hand.

"Why not use a healing rune? This isn't a demon injury."

"Because," Alec said, picking up a bottle of antiseptic, "I think it would do you good to feel the pain. You can heal like a mundane. Slow and ugly. Maybe you'll learn something. Although I doubt it." The antiseptic stung as it splashed none too gently over Jace's raw hand.

"I can always do my own healing rune, you know."

Alec was wrapping a thick strip of bandages around Jace's hand, but he made a face. "Only if you want me to tell the Penhallows what really happened to their window, instead of letting them think it was an accident." He pulled tightly and knotted the bandage, causing Jace to wince. Jace thought that maybe Alec was punishing him for what he had done to Clary. He couldn't argue with that. He deserved it.

"You know, if I'd thought you were going to do this to yourself, I would never have told you anything."

"Yes, you would have. I didn't realize my attack on the picture window would upset you quite so much." Jace was confident in this fact.

"It's just," Alec paused, looking at Jace's hand, which he was still holding in his. The thick club of bandages was spotted with blood where Alec had touched it. Alec dropped Jace's hand, almost flinging it out of his. "Why do you do these things to yourself? Not just what you did to the window, but the way you talked to Clary. What are you punishing yourself for? You can't help how you feel."

"How do I feel?" Jace kept his voice purposefully even.

"I see how you look at her." Alec's eyes were unfocused slightly, staring at a point that seemed to be somewhere over Jace's head. "And you can't have her. Maybe you just never knew what it was like to want something you couldn't have before."

Alec was right, something that Jace respected but did not appreciate.

"What's between you and Magnus Bane?"

Alec's head snapped back, his eyes finding Jace's.

"I don't-there's nothing-"

"I'm not stupid. You went right to Magnus after you talked to Malachi, before you talked to me or Isabelle or anyone-"

"Because he was the only one who could answer my question, that's why. There isn't anything between us-" Jace stared at him, knowing that he was lying. "anymore. There's nothing between us anymore. Okay?" Alec added the last bit with great reluctance, his face flushing pale pink.

"I hope that's not because of me," said Jace, feeling satisfied when Alec's face went immediately from pink to white. Alec looked as if he were ready to hit Jace. Jace didn't think he would mind so much if that happened. He was in a vengeful mood.

"What do you mean?" Alec asked defensively.

"I know how you think you feel about me. You don't, though. You just like me because I'm safe. There's no risk. And then you never have to try to have a real relationship, because you can use me as an excuse." Jace knew he was being cruel to Alec. Alec, who had never done anything to hurt him. He had just patched up Jace's hand for him, for God's sake! Jace knew he should feel more gratitude towards his brother, but he had run out of ways to inflict pain on himself for the time being. So he resorted to hurting the people around him.

"I get it. First Clary, then your hand, now me. To hell with you, Jace." Alec sounded truly angry. Jace almost hoped that he would punch him, to get in a fight just for the sake of getting in a fight.

"You don't believe me?" Jace asked, almost tauntingly. "Fine. Go ahead. Kiss me right now."

Alec stared, mouth hanging open and an expression of absolute horror and revulsion all over his face. Jace watched in satisfaction.

"Exactly. Despite my staggering good looks, you actually don't like me that way. And if you're blowing off Magnus, it's not because of me. It's because you're too scared to tell anyone who you really love. Love makes us liars," said Jace, trying to ignore the extent to which he knew this was true. "The Seelie Queen told me that. So don't judge me for lying about how I feel. You do it too. And now I want you to do it again."

"What do you mean?"

Alec's face was a mask of hurt. Jace felt terrible for saying the things he had, but he knew Alec would forgive him. Eventually. Most likely it would be by tomorrow morning, tomorrow night at the latest.

"Lie for me. It's sunset. They'll start coming back from the Gard about now. I want you to tell everyone I'm not feeling well and that's why I'm not coming downstairs. Tell them I felt faint and tripped, and that's how the window got broken."

Alec looked Jace squarely in the eye, although Jace could tell he was still feeling hurt.

"Fine," he said. "If you tell me where you're really going."

"Up to the Gard. I'm going to break Simon out of jail." Jace stood and brushed himself off. As he stretched, Alec slumped into the unoccupied chair and rubbed his forehead, as if to ward off a headache. Jace knew Alec wasn't crying, but it still made him feel awful for saying the things he had. Jace couldn't apologize because he had (mostly) meant what he'd said, so he crossed the room and laid a hand lightly on Alec's shoulder. He took it as a good sign that Alec didn't throw it off, and then headed for the door. As Jace was shutting the door, Alec called out.

"Jace," he said so quietly Jace almost didn't hear him.

"Yes?" Jace opened the door and waited expectantly.

"I know you probably won't want to hear this-"

"Then don't say it," Jace interrupted.

"-But I'm going to tell you anyways, because other people sometimes feel the need to give unwanted advice as well." Okay, so Alec was kind of mad. "Jace. I know what you're feeling right now, kind of. But things will work out. Just please remember that before you do something really stupid?" Jace bit back a retort asking Alec to define "really stupid" when Alec looked up and gave him a pleading look. Instead Jace just nodded and exited the room.

Jace quietly exited the front door after first checking to be sure that no one was watching him. He felt guilty the entire way to the prison. There were a lot of things to feel bad about. Simon. Yelling at Clary. Hurting Alec's feelings. Even punching the window. He forced himself to stop thinking about Clary, because it just felt like hundreds of little razors being dragged over his chest. No longer paying attention, Jace allowed his feet to wander away from the Clave prison through the labyrinth-like alleyways.

At length Jace stopped in front of a smallish house. He recognized it immediately. It was Amatis's house, where Clary was staying. He examined the front of the house. A trellis ran up to the window, leading to what Jace assumed was Clary's bedroom. After a quick, furtive glance around him, Jace hoisted himself onto the trellis and climbed quickly. Some of the vines that covered the trellis were torn and broken. Clary must have climbed down the trellis to come visit him.

Jace reached the bottom of Clary's window. Gripping the ledge, he pulled himself up so he was just peeking over the sill into the room. Clary was sleeping, her red hair splayed out on the pillow. He was stupid for coming here, he thought. It had been a bad idea and Clary wouldn't have spoken to him anyway. She was still too mad at him. Jace jumped lightly from the trellis and landed softly on the ground.

It was time to find Simon.


End file.
